My
Testimony
Jesus
Christ was in the Minor League
by
C. J. Nitkowski
I know a lot of you have been wondering what has happened to me and this web
page (C. J. is here referring to his personal website, CJBaseball.com--ed.). I have taken quite a hiatus from updating and
e-mail. The truth is I probably won't be adding any more baseball content to
the page; in baseball terms, updating of the web page is out indefinitely. I
must apologize for the lack of responding I have done with e-mail as well.
Because AOL only allows e-mail to stay in your incoming box for around three
weeks I have lost a lot of e-mail that has been sent to me going back to around
March 20th (2002) or so. I will do my best to get to the e-mail I still
have but I cannot make any promises. I don't have an address for autographs
because I am not sure of where I'll be in the near future. I do not want to
give an address and not be there anymore.
So what exactly has been going on with me? My life has had some dramatic
changes over the past two months and, I can proudly say, for the better. Based
on the title of this letter I am sure you can see where this is going, and I
hope you will continue to read on. This is probably going to get long.
On March 25th, I was released by the Astros out of Spring Training. Although I
knew it was coming, it was a pretty strong moment of frustration for me in my
career. I felt too good for this to happen; I felt strong and was in the best
shape of my career. I had worked incredibly hard over the winter and I couldn't
believe it came down to this. I had such an inconsistent spring that I did not
make that team, even though basically by the middle of spring training I was
only competing against myself for the left-handed spot in the bullpen.
When I got home to the house I was renting in Kissimmee, Florida, I was
frustrated, mad, and suddenly scrambling to find a job for the 2002 season.
What happened that afternoon, without getting into too much detail was a moment
when God came crashing into my life like a ton of bricks. I was eating lunch in
the living room, watching TV, when I heard an awkward sound, almost like water
running. I had assumed it was my two-year-old son playing in the sink; in
Florida he always liked to wash his hands in the kitchen. After about twenty
seconds I heard it again in the distant background, and I realized that it
wasn't the sink, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. A few seconds later
I looked up and noticed that the sliding glass door going out to the pool was
open and I quickly realized the sound I was hearing was the filter running. It
was an awkward sound to me because that door was always locked and never left
open. I jumped up and raced out to the pool deck. My son was nowhere to be
found. I looked into the middle of the pool and there he was completely
submerged in water. He is two years old and does not know how to swim. I jumped
into the water and pulled him out. He was disturbingly quiet at first, but
after a few seconds we realized he was okay. At two years old, another thirty
seconds or so and I would have lost my son.
As eerie as that was, here is what shakes me even more: I was the furthest
person from the pool in the house at the time. I have by far the worst hearing
of the three adults that were in the house; I played drums as a kid and never
wore earplugs. But miraculously, I was the only one in the house who heard the
filter running. On top of that, if I had not gotten released on that day, I
would have been at the ballpark with the team. They had a 1:05 game at home
that day, and this took place around 2:00. We were in that house for about 40
days prior to that incident, and this is the day my son figures out how to open
the sliding glass door?
I barely slept that night and had a lot of emotions running through me. I was
really trying to figure out what was the message here. At first I thought God
had had enough, He was tired of me putting so much emphasis on baseball and
making money and letting it control my life. I felt like He was slapping me in
the face and reminding me what was really important and how He could take that
away from me at any moment. As I look back now and see what has happened to my
life I realize what that day was all about. God wasn't mad at me; He wasn't
almost punishing me. What happened was Jesus Christ came to me, put His arm
around me and said, "Let's take a walk."
My walk with Christ has been nothing short of amazing. I grew up
Catholic--eight years of grade school and four years of high school. After I
signed in 1994, I found myself slowly drifting away from the Catholic Church.
In professional baseball there is an organization called Baseball Chapel. Their
purpose is to have a chaplain in every city from rookie ball to the big leagues
to come preach to players, if they choose, on Sundays. It is a huge help with
our schedule. I attended when I could and found myself more inspired and
fulfilled by 20 minutes of baseball chapel then 50 minutes of Catholic mass.
Even though I attended Catholic Church at home in the off-season, I really felt
like I was just more of a Christian than a Catholic. I understood that Jesus
Christ came to this Earth to die for my sins, so that they could be forgiven,
and the gates of Heaven opened. I thought I got it. I thought I was a good
Christian. The way I was living my life was proving otherwise.
God's work is amazing and it cannot be ignored. The fact that I ended up back
in New Orleans at AAA for the Astros is an event that I am still to this day
amazed by. Not that I didn't think there was a chance I'd be in AAA, but the
fact that it would be in New Orleans.
This winter my
decision of where I was going to sign came down to two choices for me: the New
York Mets or the Houston Astros. I am a native New Yorker and had the privilege
to play with the Mets for the final month of the 2001 season. I have wanted to
play in New York since I was about eight years old, and even as I reached the
major leagues as an adult I still wanted to play in New York. The Mets
experience for me in 2001 can only be described as perfect. It was an ideal
situation, great organization, a winning team, great players that played the
game hard. This is what I have wanted all my life. I was in a limited role
there but performed well. I knew that this was my atmosphere, that this was
where I wanted to be and where I had my greatest chance to succeed. So when the
opportunity came to go back there in 2002, you think it would have been a
no-brainer. This was back when I thought I controlled my own destiny; I am
smarter than that now.
The Mets offer was a better one than Houston's. It was a 40-man roster spot,
major league contract with about twice as much guaranteed money as Houston was
offering in their minor league contract. Let me emphasize this again: the Mets
offered me a major league contract, more guaranteed money, I loved playing
there, I always wanted to play in New York my family and friends are there and
I signed the MINOR LEAGUE deal with the Astros. Some may say that was just a
dumb move; I didn't realize I was being guided by someone else than me.
Luckily, since Christ has entered me life I have been able to look back and
understand why it happened as opposed to regretting my decision.
So now I am on a minor league deal with the Astros. The risk of going to the
minor leagues is alive and well. My contract was structured so that if I did
not make the Astros major league team, I would be released if I chose to do so.
I felt good about my chances of making the team but just in case I did not, I
already decided that I would not go to back to New Orleans, if I cannot be in
the majors in 2002 I am going to play AAA baseball somewhere else. I already
played in New Orleans all of 1997 and I just thought I would feel like I was
going backwards; if I have to I will go somewhere else. I told all my friends
and family this. The only thing I was sure of this winter is that in 2002 I
would not be playing baseball in New Orleans. I would have bet anyone a million
dollars on that.
Well, sure enough, when it came time to sign a minor league deal with someone
in late March after my release, all signs pointed to going back to New Orleans.
I couldn't believe it, but I was on my way.
We had two exhibition games before the season, the first at Round Rock, Texas
versus the Astros AA team. I was sitting in the bullpen there talking to Pete
Munro. Pete is one of our starting pitchers who has played with the Toronto
Blue Jays in the big leagues. Pete is a native New Yorker as well, born and
raised in Queens, NY, right by St. John's where I went to college. I always
felt a connection talking with guys from New York; it's just one of those
things, people from the same area can generally get along well. For some
strange reason I really didn't talk to Pete that much in big league camp; he
was there, but we just didn't talk much. Now Pete is straight New York, accent
and all. Where I grew up we didn't talk about religion or God much except in
times of tragedy--typical. So you can imagine my surprise when out of nowhere
in that bullpen in Round Rock, Texas, Pete says to me, "Yo, bro, where you
at with your faith?"
I was thinking to myself, "What? This guy? No way. Christianity is for
southerners, Bible-belters, those kinds of people, not 26-year-old baseball players
from Queens, NY." Well, sure enough, Pete was a born-again Christian, and
I began to tell him the story of my son and how I felt God was trying to work
in my life and I was still putting it all together.
Pete has been a huge help to me. He also grew up Catholic so he could answer a
lot of my questions. Before he met his wife Samantha, who brought him to
Christ, Pete was like a lot of athletes in their mid-twenties, just living what
a professional athlete would consider the "good life," having a good
time. He has been ministering to me and continues to do so and has helped me to
strengthen my faith.
I cannot go into every detail of what we talk about, there just isn't the time.
But there is one thing that he said to me in that bullpen in Round Rock, Texas,
that has stuck me and will stick with me for the rest of my life. I have never
done drugs and in recent years had drunk very casually. We were talking about
vices each of us had and I told him the only thing I really do during the
season is go to strip clubs. I don't go to regular bars, I am not out to meet
women, and I would never cheat on my wife. If I go out on the road, nine times
out of ten it would be to a strip club. I just like to go there with a couple
of the guys, have a few drinks, smoke a cigar and go home by myself. No big
deal. My wife knew I went most of the time, and although she wasn't in love
with the idea, she knew she could trust me. I told Pete this and he said to me,
"Sure your wife might not mind, bro, but she's not the One you have to
answer to." Man, that hit me hard and I suddenly realized I have been
living my life to please the wrong people. My heart was so receptive to the
Lord and it was instantly getting filled with a lot of information.
As things developed I still didn't understand why Christians would try not to
listen to rock music, or watch R-rated movies or do other things that didn't
seem to be that big of a deal to me. If you ask the right people or look hard
enough, Scripture will answer your questions. One verse that has really been
sticking with me and answering a lot of these questions is I Corinthians 10:31:
"Whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of
God." That "whatever" covers quite a lot. I by no means have
this defeated; it is a battle everyday. I am going to face a strong test of
glorifying God when the third season of "The Sopranos" starts up on
HBO. Pray for me. I say that half-jokingly, but it's true. We will always be
sinners and the battle goes on everyday.
Two months into the baseball season and I can blatantly see the difference God
has made in my life, both on and off the field. Not a time goes by that I don't
take the mound and ask Him to help me do His will in the game, take the ability
He has given me and use it to glorify Him and to be a shining example of a
Christian athlete for Him. Not an easy thing to do. When Christ enters your
life, you are not suddenly freed from sin and temptation; you never will be.
But God will never let you be tempted beyond what you are able to bear. If
someone tells you they just can't help but do something they are tempted by,
they are wrong. He has kept me in control. I used to curse on the mound, and
loud. I would use the Lord's name in vain as loud as I could sometimes when
things didn't go my way. He has taken that away from me, I think--so far, so
good. I have come really close and have had half-slips of the tongue but I have
been able to control my mouth and my emotions when I take the hill. It's
because I want to be out there glorifying Him, not myself. I have strong regret
at the thought of every time I was a bad example to others on the mound by
losing my cool and shouting obscenities as I made my way back to the dugout.
Nowadays, I hear someone use God's name in vain and it just cuts right through
me, it makes me cringe. Now that I am no longer a wavering Christian athlete,
there are a lot of things from my past I regret.
If this was three months ago and I was in AAA, I would have been frustrated
beyond belief right now that I wasn't in the big leagues. I feel good, I am
ready to go back to big leagues, I am throwing the ball well and yet here I sit
in AAA. My contract is situated so that I can go to any other team that wants
me at any time, and here I am in AAA. You always hear the talk about the need
for left handed pitching. I am 29 years old with five years big league
experience, am pitching well with good velocity, but am here in AAA. And I can
take it all in stride because this is where God wants me right now.
Don't mistake my acceptance of God's plan for contentment. I am itching to get
to the big leagues in the worst way. I feel I wasted five good years of playing
in front of an audience and having a web page that used to register over 1,000
hits a day and never did I do my part to spread the Word. I am hungrier than
ever to pitch for a big league team, but now it is for the right reasons. I
have a reason to be successful at baseball that is stronger than any reason I
have had in the past. It's not money, it's not fame, it's
not for glory to me or my family. It's glory to God. I have a God-given ability
to throw a baseball at the highest level of competition, and what have I done
with it? I have never trusted that ability to take me where God wants me to go.
I always tried to control my own destiny instead of just taking what God has
given me and living with it.
It has been an amazing two months for me. I can't believe I am even saying that
as a minor league player. If you have made it this far you are either a
believer or have an interest in being a believer. I by no means have all the
answers, I pray for knowledge and wisdom each day. I hope this message has
encouraged you to develop your relationship with God. This is an uncertain time
in our world, people are looking for answers, the harvest is ripe and it is my
prayer that God will enter your life like He has mine. Turn your life over to
Him. I have. Maybe I'll never make it back to the big leagues, and of course I
would be disappointed by that; this is what I love to do. But if that's the
price I have to pay to get closer to the Lord, then I can accept that.
Remember that Jesus Christ loves you, He always will. No matter what you have
done in the past, He will forgive you, just as you should forgive others who
have done wrong by you. There is only one way to get into heaven. We are all
sports fans--how many times have we seen this, but never really took the time
to read it and understand what it means:
John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten
Son, so that those who believe in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting
life."
Are you going to heaven? Will you have everlasting life?
(Editor's note: C. J. Nitkowski
did make it back to the big leagues in 2002, posting a career-best 2.63 ERA in
a dozen games with the Texas Rangers.)
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